Sweeney Todd Parody
by MoonageDaydream23
Summary: I love this movie to PIECES, but I just couldn't resist! Rated T for some language and, of course, the violence that makes it Sweeney Todd!


Main titles: If you think this is a lot of blood, you're going to love the last ten minutes of this movie

Main titles: If you think this is a lot of blood, you're going to love the last ten minutes of this movie! Also, isn't this the COOLEST opening music ever? It's all dramatic and organ-y.

Ship: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me… oh, wait, wrong movie opening.

Anthony: Ah, home sweet home! Look at the dirty gray water! Look at the dirty gray sky! Look at the dirty gray people! How can anything get any better than beautiful London in all it's dirty gray-ness?

Sweeney Todd: I hate London. I hate the world. I hate everything. BITTERNESSANGSTEMO

Anthony: How can you be so bitter? You're played by Johnny freaking Depp, for God's sake! You're the reason half the audience is even here!

Half the Audience: swoon

Sweeney Todd: I lost my wife thanks to a judge who got me arrested for NO BLOODY REASON. My life is spiraling down a black abyss, squeezing me tighter and tighter, ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST….

Anthony: … right…. Anyway, I think it's time we went our separate ways.

Sweeney Todd: Yeah, sure. I live on Fleet Street in case you ever need to randomly burst in on me at the worst possible time.

Anthony: Hey, thanks! Bye then!

Sweeney Todd: stalks off, muttering about how much the world sucks Why is my old house suddenly a pie shop…? Oh well. goes inside

Mrs. Lovett: OMGWTFCUSTOMER!! Why don't you have a pie? I'll be over here singing about how my life is as crappy as my cooking, which is saying something. I am crushing cockroaches into things I'm trying to feed people, after all.

Sweeney Todd: eats pie while making faces that remind people more strongly than necessary of Willy Wonka, even if they are played by the same actor You do have it pretty rough. Ptooie. Why don't you… er… rent out that room up there for money or something?

Mrs. Lovett: Because I'm keeping it empty for plot-related reasons. I mean… it's haunted. Yeah. By ghosts.

Sweeney Todd: Yeah, I know what haunted means. Can I see it?

Mrs. Lovett: Sure! leads him upstairs

Sweeney Todd: Memories… flooding… back to me… urge to freak out… too strong….

Mrs. Lovett: Do you want to find out what happened up here?

Sweeney Todd: eye twitches

Mrs. Lovett: So, this barber used to live up here with his wife and daughter, but he got arrested for no reason whatsoever. Judge Turpin, who was the one who had the barber arrested, gets horny for the wife and tries his hardest to get into her pants. That doesn't work because he's at least twice her age, so he uses the Beadle to lure her to his house. This is CLEARLY a trap, but she just walks right in and ends up getting raped by the judge.

Sweeney Todd: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Mrs. Lovett: cheerfully Now, wasn't that a lovely story? pause Holy crap, it's you! Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney Todd: It's SWEENEY TODD NOW! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! cough cough What other horrible misfortunes did my poor wife have to endure that are going to cause my brain to implode?

Mrs. Lovett: The judge kidnapped your daughter. Oh, and your wife committed suicide by poisoning herself. Good riddance, I say.

Sweeney Todd: REVENGE!! MUST HAVE REVENGE!!

Mrs. Lovett: It's truly a mystery why I love you so much. Oh, your razors have been under the floorboards all these years, you want 'em?

Sweeney Todd: stares at razors like he wants to molest them

Mrs. Lovett: Oooh… shiny… are they real silver?

Sweeney Todd: Shut up, I have to sing to my razors about how they're my only friends.

Mrs. Lovett: What about me? tear

Sweeney Todd: I love my razors even more than my wife.

Mrs. Lovett: I love you, Mr. Todd! tear

Sweeney Todd: I'm going to kill that judge with these things. Yay revenge!

Mrs. Lovett: I'm still here! tear

Sweeney Todd: Any particular reason why you're sniffing me?

Mrs. Lovett: You haven't been listening very well, have you?

Sweeney Todd: Yeah, well, go away. I have to finish my intimate moment with my razors really, really dramatically! faces the window looking at a razor AT LAST! MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

dramatic organ music that sounds just like the credit music plays from nowhere as the camera pans out… and out… and out…. Finally we see Anthony on a park bench reading

Johanna: I'm so sad and lonely… stuck up here in my room… there's only one thing to do at a time like this! Sing a song filled with more bird metaphors than should even be legal!

Anthony: I can somehow hear her singing even though the window's closed. Oh, look, pretty girl! Time to prove that I really am a hero and fall madly in love at first sight with a girl I've never even spoken to! heart

Johanna: There's a guy staring at me who ISN'T the creepy old judge! Since I'm a damsel in distress, this must mean something important! heart

Beggar Woman: Alms… alms… give me all your money… now….

Anthony: Hey, sketchy beggar woman, who's that hot chick up in that window?

Beggar Woman: Her name's Johanna, and she's the judge's ward. That means if you gander at her, you're pretty much screwed. Have a nice day! hobbles off Alms… alms….

Anthony: singing I feel you, Johanna, I feel you. Do they think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your window! I am in the dark beside you! In no way does this song make me sound like a stalker.

Judge Turpin: Aha! A boy's stalking my kidnapped… er, adopted daughter! He must be just as disturbed as me! Come in!

Anthony: Okay… follows, looking uncomfortable

Judge Turpin: So, dear boy, would you care to look at my unsettlingly vast collection of smutty goodness?

Anthony: No thank you. Weirdo…. There are support groups for that kind of thing, you know.

Judge Turpin: Don't you tell ME I need help! YOU GANDERED AT MY WARD! YES, SIR, YOU GANDERED!!

Anthony: Could you possibly overreact a little more? It'd be interesting to see what color your face turns after purple.

Judge Turpin: RAAR!

Beadle Bamford: Oh, is that my cue? Hooray for pointless and severe beatings! reveals that his pimp cane is no mere fashion statement, but a handy whip used for beating people who gander at the Judge's ward

Judge Turpin: Don't ever walk on my street again!

Anthony: Let's just forget about the fact that the blood on my lips and chin is so unrealistically thick and red it looks like lipstick, making me look even more like a girl than I already do.

Audience: Oh, trust me, it was hard to imagine it getting any worse.

Anthony: Most people would have gotten out of here as fast as humanly possible, but I'm heroic, so I must pass below Johanna's window as slowly as I possibly can. It wouldn't hurt to sing about stalking her again, either. I am in the dark beside yoooou, even now I'm at your wiiiindow… buried sweetly in your yellow haaaair…!

back on Fleet Street

Mrs. Lovett: Come on, luv, we've got to go watch Borat sing in a fake Italian accent for plot reasons.

Sweeney Todd: Angst angst angst angst angst angst…

Mrs. Lovett: You definitely need some happy pills or something.

Toby: I'm so cute it's almost painful, even if I am filthy from head to toe. Look, everybody! This little bottle of mysteriously bright yellow fluid made my hair grow! whips off his hat to reveal lovely white blonde locks

People: Oooh!

Toby: So, who wants a bottle? Makes your hair grow really, really fast, guaranteed or your money back! coughnotreallycough Do I hear two pounds, three pounds, did I hear three pounds for a bottle of Pirelli's Miracle Elixir? sales pitch

Sweeney Todd: You know what, I'll just smell it to humor you so Mrs. Lovett will let me go back home and angst some more. sniff Good God, man! Why in the name of all that is holy would you go off and sell your own piss in a bottle?!

People: Le gasp!

Toby: Uh-oh.

Pirelli: bursts out from behind a curtain dramatically MY ELIXIR IS NOT-A PISS!

Mrs. Lovett: Right. And you're not wearing women's tights.

Pirelli: Of-a course I am-a not a-wearing tights! They are a-normal trousers! Men's trousers!

Sweeney Todd: You just keep telling yourself that. Anyway, to prove that I'm right and you're wrong, I say we have a contest. Whoever can shave two random guys the closest and fastest wins.

Beadle Bamford: I'll be the judge!

Sweeney Todd: What are you even doing here?

Beadle Bamford: Plot device. Besides, I'm always happy to oblige my friends and neighbors. smirk

Pirelli: You-a cannot beat me! I shave-ad da Pope!

Toby: Please note how he manages to abuse me even when he's singing. I'm such a poor, miserable child… and yet I'm still insanely cute.

Pirelli: La la la la la, you have-a no idea what in God's a-name I am saying because my accent is so a-ridiculous! Oh, a-time for the grand-a finale! stops shaving entirely to hold his arms out and sing LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA… several windows crack from the insanely high note that no man should ever be able to hit

Sweeney Todd: You know, you can end that note any time now.

Pirelli: … AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA….

Sweeney Todd: Seriously.

Pirelli: … AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA….

Sweeney Todd: sighs in annoyance Moron….

Pirelli: … AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!  
!! more windows crack

Beadle Bamford: On account of the fact that Pirelli's guy is only half shaven because Pirelli was too busy singing to actually WORK, the winner is Todd!

People: w00t!

Pirelli: Holy crap. You really are better than me. I bow to your greatness, my liege!

Sweeney Todd: Whatever. Nothing good ever lasts without being eclipsed by the empty darkness that is my pitiful life. emo

Pirelli: I'll now take my anger out on my adorable assistant! slap

Toby: I'm too cute for this! sob

Beadle Bamford: Hey there, Mr. Todd, that was some nice shaving you did back there. So good, in fact, that I think I'll come to your shop before the end of the week for plot reasons!

Sweeney Todd: And what might those be?

Beadle Bamford: You'll see. Ta-ta!

cut back to the street where Turpin and Johanna live. Anthony is, stupidly, there, gandering at Johanna again

Anthony: I know I've been threatened on pain of death never to come by this street again, but I couldn't resist. She's soooo preeeeettyyyyy… drool

Johanna: You think I'm pretty now? Have the key to my bedroom window. It'll make everything better.

Anthony: It's official. Being a good guy rocks.

the next day

Sweeney Todd: He said he'd come! Where is he? He's supposed to be here by the end of the week!

Mrs. Lovett: It's only Tuesday.

Sweeney Todd: I want to kill him NOW!

Mrs. Lovett: Patience, love. It's more fun to plot against him, then kill him. Let's put some flowers in here!

Sweeney Todd: What do the flowers have to do with anything?

Mrs. Lovett: I'm trying to take your mind off your homicidal tendencies! Can't you recognize a distraction when you see one?

Sweeney Todd: Whatever. I'm going to go angst about how I can't slit the Beadle's throat. goes to the window to do that

Anthony: Hi, Mr. Todd!

Sweeney Todd: What do you want?

Anthony: I was stalking this pretty girl named Johanna—

Sweeney Todd: OMGWTF!

Anthony: —and I almost got killed for it, but I went back to do it again because I'm a hero and whoever heard of a hero having a brain, and she dropped a key. So, when the monster leaves, I'm going to prove my heroism and rescue my fair maiden from the tower where she's being held captive!

Sweeney Todd: Can I slay the monster?

Anthony: Errr… sure? Can I let her crash here for a while after I catch her?

Mrs. Lovett: Of course you can!

Sweeney Todd: … 'kay. thinking Hehe, my plans are coming to pass. I will have Johanna back, and the Judge will pay. secretly cackles

Anthony: W00t! leaves

Mrs. Lovett: Everything's going to be A-okay now, Mr. T!

Sweeney Todd: But he's going to take her away from me!

Mrs. Lovett: Do what you do to everyone else who mildly annoys you in this movie. Kill him.

Sweeney Todd: Sounds good to me! looks out the window and sees two figures Holy— it's Borat and his disgustingly cute sidekick!

Toby: Help, I'm being beaten by an Italian in really tight pants! I'm too cute for this!

Mrs. Lovett: You're right, love! Come with me so I can force my terrible cooking on your sweet innocence.

Toby: Yay! skips off with Mrs. Lovett

Sweeney Todd: So, uh… what are you doing here? You're a barber, why don't you shave yourself?

Pirelli: I remember this room.

Sweeney Todd: Wait a second, what happened to your ridiculous accent? And how do you remember my shop, Pirelli?

Pirelli: Call me David O'Connors, it's my real name. Remember? I used to work for you before you got arrested… BENJAMIN BARKER!

Sweeney Todd: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME BY MY REAL NAME?!

Mrs. Lovett: Would you like something to drink, dear?

Toby: GIN! I love me some alcohol!

Mrs. Lovett: Aren't you, like, ten? This movie can't glorify underage drinking!

Toby: It's already rated R, we can do what we want, pretty much. And I want to drink some yummy gin!

Mrs. Lovett: Fine. gets gin

Toby: chugs

Mrs. Lovett: By the way, the hair department did a much better job on you than on me. My hair look like the bride of Frankenstine, and yours looks so lovely.

Toby: You think so? I think this wig kind of makes it hard to see. yanks off wig to reveal normal, if not terribly messy, brown hair

Mrs. Lovett: … well, there goes that compliment.

Pirelli: How about a trip down memory lane? I remember idolizing you and wishing I could be a barber, too. Hey, look, my wish came true! Oh, and by the way, if you don't give me half the money you earn, I'll tattle on you to the Beadle.

Sweeney Todd: That's so immature, I think I'll… KILL YOU!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! grabs teapot and repeatedly bashing him over the head with it

Pirelli: HOLY MOTHER OF—!

Sweeney Todd: DIE DIE DIE!!

Pirelli: collapses

Sweeney Todd: smirk That's enough to tide me over until the Beadle comes.

Mrs. Lovett: looks up, hearing the noise I can't let this poor innocent child hear this senseless violence! bangs pots and pans around the counter So, how did you end up with the Italian Robin Hood: Men in Tights reject?

Toby: He took me from the workhouse because no one else wanted me. chugs more gin Oh my God, Pirelli has an appointment! He's going to beat me if I let him forget!

Mrs. Lovett: Won't he beat you anyway?

Toby: It'll just be BAD, okay? Really, really BAD. scurries upstairs

Sweeney Todd: hears footsteps and looks down at Pirelli's bloody body Well, this could be difficult to explain to the poor innocent child. dumps Pirelli into a convieniently place trunk

Toby: Pirelli, Pirelli, you've got to come quickly! You've got that appointment with your tailor to see if your pants can possibly get any tighter!

Sweeney Todd: He… er… left already. Yeah. He's gone.

Toby: But he wouldn't have left without me!

Pirelli: hand twitches

Sweeney Todd: But he did. Say, why don't you go down and suffer through more of Mrs. Lovett's pie?

Toby: But I already had some!

Pirelli: hand twitches more

Sweeney Todd: I SAID GO EAT SOME PIE! And maybe some more gin, while you're at it.

Toby: More gin?! Hot diggity, I'm there! hurries off

Pirelli: starts to crawl out of the trunk I'm not dead! I feel happy! I feel happy!

Sweeney Todd: Oh, really? slits Pirelli's throat MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! How'd that feel being the first death in the movie?

Pirelli: dead

Sweeney Todd: cackles

we see Turpin and the Beadle in court

Judge Turpin: You're only seven years old and you really didn't do anything, but I need to further establish myself as the main villain in this story.

Kid: Raping the main character's wife and kidnapping his daughter isn't enough to establish yourself as being a villian?

Judge Turpin: Quiet!

Kid: Dang….

Judge Turpin: We find you totally innocent… which is the worst crime of all… SO YOU'RE GOING TO HANG!!

Kid: Oh, crap…. cries

Beadle Bamford: He totally deserved that.

Judge Turpin: Exactly. Oh, and by the way, I know I'm old enough to be her grandfather, but I'm going to marry Johanna. How screwed up am I?

Beadle Bamford: Not at all, sir! I think it's a brilliant idea! Of course, as a snivelling servant, I'm kind of supposed to say that, but that's not the point!

Judge Turpin: Unfortunately, she won't have me. I have no idea why, though.

Beadle Bamford: Well, my lord, you do, my lord, look, my lord, like crap. You need, my lord, a shave, my lord, and I know, my lord, a barber, my lord, who will do a really good job, my lord, and then, my lord, she will, my lord, love you. Besides, my lord, this will, my lord, enhance the plot, my lord.

Judge Turpin: If you say the words "my lord" one more time, I'm going to punch you.

Beadle Bamford: …meep. Anyway, go see Sweeney Todd. He'll solve all your problems.

Judge Turpin: Sounds good to me!

Toby: still chugging gin

Mrs. Lovett: Okay, I know we're rated R, but you really shouldn't be drinking so heavily.

Toby: Oh, it's okay. I've been drinking since I was born.

Mrs. Lovett: That's really not that reassuring, but I'll ignore that. I need an excuse for you to pass out later, anyway. I'm going to go check on Mr. Todd.

Toby: NOOOO! DON'T TAKE MY PREEEECIOUS GIN!!

Mrs. Lovett: So, when's Pirelli going to come back and let me have my gin back?

Sweeney Todd: wiping blood off his razor He's not going to. evil smirk

Mrs. Lovett: lifts chest lid and sees Pirelli's body WTF?! He's innocent, you psychopath!

Sweeney Todd: Oh, no, don't worry, he deserved it.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, well, that's okay, then. happy Wow, there's sure a lot of blood when you slit somebody's throat, huh?

Sweeney Todd: sarcastically Really.

Mrs. Lovett: sees money pouch Ooh, look, money! He's not going to be needing this anymore, is he? yoink What's going to happen to his cute little drunk of an assistant?

Sweeney Todd: I'll take care of him. pets razor

Mrs. Lovett: Nooo! He's too cute to die!

Sweeney Todd: I said I want to take care of him!

Mrs. Lovett: You're done for the day. Besides, I want him to help me around the shop. I'm getting too old for this.

Sweeney Todd: Aren't you played by an actress who's only, like, forty-something?

Mrs. Lovett: Don't mess with the plot, dear. I need a reason for you to NOT kill Toby. Even if it might mean I'm going to need a whole new wing of the shop to hold all his gin.

Sweeney Todd: looks out the window and sees Turpin FINALLY!

Mrs. Lovett: Have fun, you crazy little thing, you! leaves

Sweeney Todd: cackles, then sees the blood on his sleeve Well, that could be problematic. pulls on his jacket No one will ever suspect me. cackle

Judge Turpin: Mr. Potter?

Sweeney Todd: …

Judge Turpin: glances at script and realizes this isn't a Harry Potter movie Oops. I mean, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney Todd: DIE, DIE, DIE! Er… I mean… how may I help you?

Judge Turpin: You're a barber, and I'm in need of a shave to impress a woman.

Sweeney Todd: A woman, you say?

Judge Turpin: Yep. I'm trying to marry my adopted daughter who's only about fifteen. I'm trying to make this whole thing look less creepy.

Audience: Is that even possible?

Sweeney Todd: That requires a VERY close shave. The closest I ever gave. smirk

Judge Turpin: You seem happy today.

Sweeney Todd: Er…. I'm just happy to have such renowned patronage. Let's sing about women to kill you… I mean, kill time.

Judge Turpin: My favorite subject. Pretty women… fascinating… sipping coffee… dancing…. Pretty women….

Sweeney Todd: turns away to his razors It's time, my precious. We'll have him this time.

Judge Turpin: Hurry up, I don't have all day.

Sweeney Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah….

Judge Turpin: totally zoned out

Sweeney Todd: cackles as the razor rests on Turpin's throat, ready to slash it…

Anthony: Hey, Mr. T! Remember how you said you lived up here in case I ever needed to burst in on you at the worst possible time? Well, how about now? I was stalking Johanna again and she said— oh, crap.

Judge Turpin: How could you associate yourself with vermin like this little cretin?! I'll never come back, Todd! Never!

Anthony: Will you help me?

Sweeney Todd: NO! GET OUT!!

Anthony: Please! I'm too stupid and heroic to do anything alone!

Sweeney Todd: RAAAAR! lunges with razor

Anthony: Holy… well, bye then! runs away

Mrs. Lovett: runs in Okay, what the hell is going on in here?

Sweeney Todd: I almost killed him! I almost did it! Now he's never going to come back so I can have my REVENGE! Everyone needs to die! Everyone! EVERYONE!! EVEN YOU!! turns razor on Mrs. Lovett

Mrs. Lovett: Omigodomigodomigodomigod….

Sweeney Todd: swings his razor around like there's actual people around, raving You, sir! How about a shave? Come and visit your good friend Sweeney! I WILL get the Judge back, and I'm going to practice getting rid of him on innocent people! It's my duty! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

sinks to his knees

Mrs. Lovett: It's official. You've completely lost it. Oh well! We have more pressing problems to deal with. For example, what are we going to do about Borat?

Sweeney Todd: Kill kill kill kill kill….

Mrs. Lovett: Hello?

Sweeney Todd: Kill kill kill kill kill….

Mrs. Lovett: Are you in there?

Sweeney Todd: Kill kill kill kill kill….

Mrs. Lovett: Useless idiot.

Sweeney Todd: Kill kill kill kill kill….

Mrs. Lovett: drags Sweeney, who's still out of it, downstairs Come on, we'll give you some alcohol. That'll make everything better, just look at what it did for Toby!

Toby: passed out in a corner

Mrs. Lovett: We really should do something with Pirelli. hint

Sweeney Todd: doesn't get it

Mrs. Lovett: He's so plump and fresh. hint

Sweeney Todd: doesn't get it

Mrs. Lovett: Meat's so expensive, I can hardly think of a thing to do about my crappy pies. hint

Sweeney Todd: doesn't get it

Mrs. Lovett: Do you need a sign shoved in your face?! We. Should. Cook. Pirelli. In. My. Pies. And all your other victims, too!

Sweeney Todd: That's a BRILLIANT idea! Slightly insane, and more than a little nauseating, but BRILLIANT! Let's waltz around the kitchen and sing pointlessly about all the people we're going to kill!

Mrs. Lovett: You've got to admit, it's a good song! We'll call it A Little Priest!

they waltz around singing, and we go into Johanna's room

Johanna: Maybe if I pack quickly, he won't notice!

Judge Turpin: You've been living with me since you were born and you still haven't noticed the peephole I've been staring at you through all the time? Good God, you're stupid. Are you really leaving with the stupid little girly-man?

Johanna: Of course I am! He's a hero, and I'm a damsel in distress! It's meant to be!

Judge Turpin: My dear Johanna, where did our love go?

Johanna: Since when did we HAVE love?

Judge Turpin: Fine, I see how it is. I'm going to send you far away where he'll NEVER find you! NEVER! MWAHAHAHAHA!!

Johanna: WHY does Anthony have to be stupid enough to barge into rooms yelling about our plans without checking who's listening?!

Judge Turpin: Heroes aren't known for their startling intellect. Beadle, take her away!

Beadle Bamford: Yay! Another chance to show that Mr. Todd isn't the only person in this movie allowed to commit random acts of pointless violence!

Johanna: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Beadle Bamford: takes her. Alive.

Anthony: What are you doing with my crush, you bastard?!

Judge Turpin: Protecting her from your evil ways!

Anthony: MY evil ways? I'm a hero!

Judge Turpin: AND I'M A VILLAIN! HEROES ALWAYS KILL VILLAINS! HERE I AM! TAKE ME IF YOU CAN! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Anthony: … nope, can't do it. I am nonconfrontational! Fleee! TAXI! YOU CAN'T TAKE MY JOHANNA!!

Mrs. Lovett: Hey, check out my new advertising! These are probably the best pies in London now!

Audience: If they only knew what was in them….

Mrs. Lovett: But they don't, that's the beauty of my plan!

Toby: HEY, EVERYBODY! COME IN AND BUY A PIE! THEY'RE DELICIOUS! Doesn't this song remind you of my entrance all those minutes ago?

Mrs. Lovett: La la la la la, my life is wonderful, business is booming, la la la la… I can't tell you what my secret is, that defeats the whole purpose of having a secret! I'll tell you one thing, though, it's herbs. Right. Herbs.

Audience: YOU LIE!

Mrs. Lovett: Just ignore them. Oh, dear, we're all out of pies. Eat them slow, then!

Sweeney Todd: testing out his new chair that dumps corpses into the bakehouse with a real, live (well, not any more) customer DIE!

Mrs. Lovett and Toby: Never mind!

Beggar Woman: There's something wrong here….

Mrs. Lovett: What are you doing here?! Get out of my shop!

Toby: You heard her! Out! boot

Beggar Woman: You haven't seen the last of me!

everything quiets down except for church bells. Anthony is still wandering around looking for Johanna

Anthony: Isn't it amazing how even when I'm separated from my love, I STILL manage to sing my stalker song? I am in the dark beside you, buried sweetly in your yellow hair….

Sweeney Todd: Hey, audience, did you miss me? I haven't had any good screen time since A Little Priest, but here I am to sing about my daughter in counterpoint with her heroic little stalker. I love you, Johanna, but I'll never see you again! DIE! a customer falls to the bakehouse This is the bloodiest parent-to-child love song you'll ever hear in your life. DIE! more lovely death I swear, I'm only practicing and I'm not enjoying this at all. smirk DIE! whee Goodbye, Johanna… goodbye… DIE!!

Anthony: I'm still stalking you while he's singing, by the way. You can't go too long without the only mildly sane person in the entire movie.

Beggar Woman: And, just for a bit of interest… MRS. LOVETT IS A WITCH! THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON UP THERE! I SMELL MISCHIEF! Did Anthony already mention he and Johanna are the ONLY sane people in this ENTIRE movie?

Sweeney Todd: sighs and collapses into a chair, staring at a picture of the Barker family as they used to be If this image doesn't tug at your heartstrings, YOU HAVE NO SOUL. le sigh

the next day

Mrs. Lovett: It's such a beautiful day! Look, the sky is blue, not gray! I'm wearing red, not black! We have COLOR in this movie, people! What an interesting idea!

Sweeney Todd: Yes, color. And happiness. And life. The three things I hate most of all. emo

Mrs. Lovett: Why do you like it so much when everything's black and white?

Sweeney Todd: The blackness is as dark and empty as the void that is my soul. emo

Mrs. Lovett: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. You really need to stop obsessing over how much your life sucks.

Sweeney Todd: My life doesn't just suck, my life is an black whole that drags me down into its depths. The only way I'll ever be able to get back to the surface is to kill the judge and feel his blood soaking my hands as it oozes out of his throat.

Mrs. Lovett: You have SO many issues. Will you PLEASE just enjoy your time with me for once instead of angsting? Please? Both our businesses are booming! I have an idea, actually! Maybe, once we get rid of him, we could go off and get married and live happily ever after. Cue fantasy sequence… now!

Sweeney Todd: is still too lost in his emo-ing to care

Mrs. Lovett: There'll be color… I'll be married to you…

Sweeney Todd: Angst angst angst angst angst….

Mrs. Lovett: … you'll be wearing a bathing costume that makes you look suspiciously like Beetlejuice… our life will be perfect!

Sweeney Todd: And she still fails to realize that I DON'T. BLOODY. CARE.

the next morning

Mrs. Lovett: And now, it's time for another opportunity for me to try to get you to SHUT UP about your Lucy for ten seconds and take the hint that I love you.

Sweeney Todd: That hasn't worked at all yet, and it's still not going to work. I'm going to go back to angsting in peace now. does so

Mrs. Lovett: Well, it was worth a shot.

Anthony: bursts in HE'S SENT JOHANNA AWAY TO AN INSANE ASYLUM! bursts into tears

Sweeney Todd: He's gone too far this time!

Mrs. Lovett: You mean he hadn't already?

Anthony: I can't possibly save her now!

Sweeney Todd: Hey, this movie only has room for one resident angst-whore, and that's me. You're the hero, and that mean's you've got to figure something out! pause I'll help you, though.

Anthony: There's no possible way to get in! We're doomed! She's doomed! DOOOOMED!!

Sweeney Todd: grins evilly Not if I can help it. THE JUDGE IS MINE!!

Anthony and Mrs. Lovett: WTF.

Sweeney Todd: cough I mean, I have an idea. You'll get in there by pretending you're a wigmaker. You know how they get their hair from asylums. You'll get in that way, take Johanna, and stop at NOTHING to bring her here! NOTHING!! Do you hear me?!

Anthony: Yeah! Thanks for having twice my brainpower, Mr. T! What would I do without you?

Sweeney Todd: Go forth, young one! You shall not fail!

Anthony: as he leaves Fear not, fair maiden, I will rescue you!

Sweeney Todd: writing a letter Bring me your cute little assistant.

Mrs. Lovett: … why? You're not going to kill him, are you?

Sweeney Todd: Just do it!

Mrs. Lovett: Hey, kid, Mr. Todd wants you. boot

Toby: Yes sir? Am I just here so you can look at my stunning cuteness?

Sweeney Todd: No. I have a message for you to deliver to my mortal nemesis, the man I hate with every fiber of my being.

Toby: Can I—

Sweeney Todd: grabs Toby and shakes him NO!! NO ONE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS! YOU ARE NOT TO SPEAK, TO LOOK AT, OR TO BREATHE IN FRONT OF HIM, AND YOU ARE TO COME STRAIGHT BACK HERE AS SOON AS THE LETTER IS IN HIS HANDS!!

Toby: I'm too cute to be abused like this! I thought I was done with this when Pirelli mysteriously left me here! Flee! Fleeee! flees

Sweeney Todd: glances at audience You don't think I overreacted, did you?

Audience: Oh, yeah. Yeah, you did.

Toby: comes back Mrs. Lovett, I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Ever. I'd do anything to protect you, even if I'm facing a raving lunatic who slits peoples' throats with razors. Not that there's anyone around who would do that….

Mrs. Lovett: Awww… holy crap. He suspects us.

Toby: I love you, mum. I just don't want to see you hurt and I think Mr. Todd might try to hurt you

Audience: Awww!!

Mrs. Lovett: You're imagining things, dear. Yeah. Don't worry. Here, how about you go off and buy yourself something nice to take your mind off this madness. I'll get the money out of my Wonder Cleavage of Holding.

Toby: You stole from Pirelli!

Mrs. Lovett: Of course not! Er… Mr. Todd gave this to me! Yeah!

Toby: AHA! PROOF! We should call the Beadle and get him arrested!

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. Todd is not a psychopath and he doesn't want to kill us. Just relax, dear.

Toby: sniffle

Mrs. Lovett: This is so cute, but it's also a problem. Come on, dear. Let's go teach you to make some pies and get your mind off all this. thinking Maybe I can shove him in the oven to keep him from getting Sweeney in trouble.

Toby: It smells like corpses down here!

Mrs. Lovett: It's the sewers! The sewers, I tell you! Now, you make sure the doors to the oven are closed, pop what is totally nothing more than beef into the grinder, and it comes out that hole there.

Toby: Whee! Distraction!

Mrs. Lovett: Good, good, you keep doing that and I'll go upstairs to the aforementioned murderer.

Toby: Righto! pause Hey, can I have a pie for the sake of plot?

Mrs. Lovett: You can have the whole rack if it will keep you down here.

Toby: Yay!

Fogg: I'm not in any way creepy, what are you talking about? Here's the blonde girls you wanted, you sharply dressed apprentice wigmaker, you.

Blondes: We quiver in terror!

Johanna: quiver

Fogg: 'Kay, where do you want me to—

Anthony: DIE! pulls out a revolver, snatches Johanna, and locks Fogg in with the blondes

Johanna: My hero! heart

Fogg: I knew you were no wigmaker!

Blondes: No you didn't. look as if they're going to devour him whole

Fogg: … mommy…. he's ripped apart by the blonde mental patients

Mrs. Lovett: We have a problem, Mr. T! Toby suspects you, and if he gets out of the basement or we run out of pie, he'll run to the Beadle and get you arrested!

Sweeney Todd: I don't have time to kill him! The Judge will be here soon! I'm not going to miss another chance!

Beadle: Hello there, Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett! I'm only here because some crazy beggar lady told me to investigate some weird smells that were coming from your shop. Health regulations, you know?

Sweeney Todd: grins evilly How about a shave first?

Beadle: I have to do my job first. I'll take you up on that later, though!

Sweeney Todd: Now that's dedication! By the way, you really must tell me how you do your hair.

Beadle: Just ambergris, sir!

Sweeney Todd: Really? Let me show you into my shop for people who have no idea what that is and to show you how to do things properly. And all for free!

Beadle: Sounds good to me!

Sweeney Todd: This is not in any way a trap, in case you were wondering.

Beadle: Oh, of course not!

Beggar Woman: Something's fishy around here….

Toby: Shiny, pointy knives and things… mmm pie….

Human Toe: Hey there, kid!

Toby: HOLY CRAP!! Mrs. Lovett's helping Mr. Todd dispose of the bodies!

Beadle: I knew a free shave was too good to be true! dead

Toby: screams MY ADORABLE YOUTHFUL INNOCENCE HAS BEEN DESTROYED BY A BLOODY CORPSE AND A BIG TOE!! If I had a mommy, I'd call for her! I'm locked in!! pulls up the grate Aha! An escape route! disappears through the sewers

Sweeney Todd: Dammit, he's escaped. To the sewers!

Mrs. Lovett: Toby! Where are you? Have a familiar song lyric to make you feel better! Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around….

Sweeney Todd: Way to lie to the poor kid. pets razor

Anthony: You'll be safe here. In half an hour, you'll be safe! No one will ever figure out you're a girl in this disguise! You look just like a man!

Johanna: Gee, thanks, Anthony. Now I think I'll show you how mentally scarred I am after all my pitiful excuse for a guardian did to me. I've never had dreams. Only nightmares. tear

Anthony: Don't worry, I can turn this into a lovey-dovey moment. I'll come right back. Not that the viewers will ever see that, because they never see me again, but you will. leaves Bye, audience!

Beggar Woman: Where are you, Beadle? I saw you come up!

Johanna: People! Must find nearest far-too-convienient hiding place! hides in the trunk

Beggar Woman; Beadle deedle deedle deedle deedle dumpling, Beadle dumpling, Beadle dumpling, now you know I'm insane!

Sweeney Todd: Who are you and what are you doing in my shop?!

Beggar Woman: MRS. LOVETT IS AN EVIL WITCH!! Hey, you look familiar from somewhere, but I can't think of where—

Sweeney Todd: DIE!! throat slashing

Beggar Woman: dead

Background music: Please note how much like Epiphany this sounds. You know, the part where it goes "And my Lucy lies in ashes?"

Judge Turpin: muttering as he comes up the stairs I will get my line right this time, I will get my line right, I will get my line right… MR. TODD?! Where's Johanna!

Sweeney Todd: She's in the bakeshop with Mrs. Lovett, perfectly safe. Anthony didn't get anywhere past stalking her, and she knows what she did was wrong. She'll be yours forever.

Judge Turpin: W00t!

Sweeney Todd: How about a shave?

Judge Turpin: No good has ever come from that phrase… what the hey! Let's reprise our song, too, while we're at it!

Sweeney Todd: secretly cackles

Judge Turpin: We're so alike, we could be great friends.

Sweeney Todd: thinking When pigs fly. out loud Oh, yeah. We've even got the same taste in hot girls!

Judge Turpin: What the hell?

Sweeney Todd: Remember that woman you raped fifteen years ago after you had her husband arrested? Yeah. That was my wife.

Judge Turpin: Oh my God… snarling like he's going to rip out Sweeney's throat… hehe, where's the irony in that statement? Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney Todd: BENJAMIN BARKER! cackles and begins his vicious stabbing of the Judge DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, YOU LUSTFUL, WIFE-RAPING, DAUGHTER KIDNAPPING, EVIL, DEMONIC BASTARD! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!! is now completely covered in blood

Judge Turpin: CURSE YOU!! falls down the chute

Sweeney Todd: I did it. I did it! closes the razor and looks at it I think I'll sing to you one more time. Sleep forever. You did what I needed you to do. pause My life is so empty now! sob

Johanna: pokes head out Is this the worst time I can possibly choose to poke my head out?

Sweeney Todd: How about a shave? hauls her to the chair

Johanna: Nooo! I wanna live!

Mrs. Lovett: screams

Sweeney Todd: I want you to suddenly get amnesia and forget who I am.

Johanna: terrified Yes, sir.

Judge Turpin: W-woman … let me get under a skirt one m-more time… just one more…

Mrs. Lovett: WHY WON'T YOU DIE?! YOU'RE WORSE THAN A COCKROACH!! AND THEY CAN LIVE THROUGH A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!! kick

Judge Turpin: dead. Finally.

Mrs. Lovett: starts to sigh in relief before she notices the Beggar Woman This is officially the worst night of my life. drags her towards the oven, but too slowly

Sweeney Todd: What's wrong? Is he still alive by some miracle?

Mrs. Lovett: He was trying to get up my dress, but it's okay, I got him.

Sweeney Todd: Here, I'll help you with that. Open the oven doors, would you?

Mrs. Lovett: No! Don't touch this random beggar woman!

Sweeney Todd: Do as you're told! It's just a random beggar!

Mrs. Lovett: Fine… this is going to screw us all over, I hope you're happy. yanks open the doors and light floods over the Beggar Woman's face

Sweeney Todd: …holy shoot. I just killed my wife. collapses and holds her, sobbing You knew Lucy wasn't dead! How could you lie to me about something this important!

Mrs. Lovett: Did you really want to know she'd turned out to be a beggar? And I didn't lie! I just ommitted the small but incredibly important fact that the poison she drank didn't kill— okay, fine! I'll admit it! I lied! I did it all for love! I wanted you for myself!

Sweeney Todd: It's okay. I forgive you. Oh, and by the way, I love you too. Let's dance!

Mrs. Lovett: The half-sane gleam in his eyes and the lightning fast mood swing aren't at all clues to what's really going to happen. Okay! dances with him

Sweeney Todd: Everything's going to be fine. We'll be married, and together until the day we… DIE! shoves her into the oven

Mrs. Lovett: I knew it was too good to be true!! screams

Sweeney Todd: slams the oven door That's what you get for trying to make me forget about what happened to the REAL love of my life. glares through the grate

Mrs. Lovett: sizzle

Sweeney Todd: goes back to hold Lucy Time for the song I've been singing this whole t—

Toby: How dare you kill the only good parent I've ever known? I knew you were no good! snatches up a razor and Sweeneys Sweeney

Sweeney Todd: dead

Toby: Well, this is a heartbreakingly poingant scene. How about I leave you all to stare at these two dripping blood all over everything until the credits? Yeah, that's a good idea. See you. walks away

End Credits: Well, if you aren't horribly depressed now, you're insane. We hope you enjoyed There Will Be Blood… oops. Sweeney Todd, we hope you enjoyed Sweeney Todd, and we're now going to leave you to wonder what the hell will happen when Toby gets out of there and tells people the true contents of Mrs. Lovett's meat pies!


End file.
